Slipknot

The rumors of a Slipknot breakup have been greatly exaggerated, and, in fact, Des Moines’ second best band ever (see – Lotos Eaters) is planning several ambitious projects in the coming year.

According to a source close to the situation, band management is in the process of hiring an entirely new lineup for Slipknot so that the current band members can concentrate on other projects, keeping the Slipknot machine rolling in the process.

“Hey, Slipknot is nine loud guys in scary masks,” says the source, a nameless young man with a killer mullet identified only by the symbols $%$. “They’re just going to get nine other loud guys and dress them up in identical costumes. Let’s face it. Their fans aren’t the sharpest pencils in the box, and I don’t think they are really going to notice.”

Band management has been combing professional wrestling schools for possible members of the new Slipknot.

“They’re finding that the dropouts and the guys getting cut basically have the perfect skill set for the job,” says $%$. “Especially the wrestlers who were training to be ‘bad guys.’ And they really take to the masks well.”

The current members of Slipknot, known as the numbers 0 through 8, have given their blessing to the plan, but were unwilling to give up their numeric monikers. The new members will be known as the abbreviations of metals from the periodic table of elements, such as Fe, Mo, No, Pa, Ir and U.

The current members were also reluctant to have the new hires record under the name of Slipknot. The band’s record company has come up with a plan to drop the last album onto reel-to-reel tape, cut the tape into small strips, throw them into the air, tape them back together, and release the result as the next Slipknot disk.

“Tentative title for the new disk is ‘Leftoverpieces,’” says $%$. “I’m guessing it won’t sound much different than anything the boys would have come up with anyway.”

The move to hire a new lineup was precipitated by the current members’ desire to work on a variety of side projects, and several Slipknot

“spin-off bands” are already in the works.

Current members 0, 6, and 8 have formed a band called NotSlipknot, intended to be an exact opposite of Slipknot. The new band has penned several happy, positive songs with subjects ranging from crossing roads safely to tetherball etiquette, and will feature a variety of brightly colored costumes, all aimed at the lucrative two- to six-year-old market. NotSlipknot will keep the mask concept, but promises “lots of smiling, cheerful faces, and absolutely no blood whatsoever.”

“After years of singing about all that death and icky stuff,” says $%$, “0, 6, and 8 really thought they needed a break. NotSlipknot is going to be all about sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.”

NotSlipknot already has a new record in the works and is currently negotiating with The Disney Channel for their own show. Critics who have seen and heard the band have made comparisons to the current popular kiddy band The Wiggles, and in fact, members of the Aussie quartet have been critical of NotSlipknot for “borrowing” from their act. A brief feud broke out in the press recently when 0 was quoted as calling Anthony of the Wiggles “a weenie.” 0 denied using the slur, claiming he really said, “We need more guys like Anthony.”

“Yeah, they look and sound a little like The Wiggles,” says $%$. “But if they learned anything in Slipknot, it’s that ‘borrowing’ can be a good thing.”

1, 2, and 7 are planning a new band called Slapshot, whose concept will not be much different from that of Slipknot. The band will wear frightening goalie masks, menacing blood red hockey sweaters, and skates with elaborate, and somewhat dangerous, metal blades. The members of Slapshot are currently taking skating lessons, having their instruments fashioned to look like hockey sticks, and converting Zamboni machines into tour buses. 

“They’re basically going for a ‘Slipknot on Ice’ kind of thing,” says $%$. “1, 2, and 7 are big sports fans, and hockey is the closest thing to what Slipknot is all about, with all the maiming, missing teeth and scary team names like Predators, Thrashers and Canadiens.”

$%$ would neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Tonya Harding has been contacted about joining the act.

“They thought it would be cool,” he admitted, “if she would skate around them while they were playing and the audience pelted her with stuff.”

At present, 3, 4 and 5 are in the early planning stages for a band they are calling Token Side Project, but haven’t come up with anything concrete yet.